The inner scream

If you’re not good to yourself
You’ll be drowned out by your inner scream
If you’re not good to yourself
Then your anger becomes a disease
A carnival of confusion
A carousel of emotion
A freak show of frustration
A merry go-round mojo
If you’re not good to yourself
To yourself

If you’re not good to yourself
You’ll look elsewhere for absolution
If you’re not good to yourself
Then your self doubt becomes retribution
A sideshow of suspicion
A ferris wheel of fear
A roller coaster of madness
A circus of solitude
If you’re not good to yourself
To yourself
To yourself

Go on and let your scream out
Go on and let your scream out
Go on and let your scream out
Go on and let your scream out
Let it out

If you’re not good to yourself
You’ll be drowned out by your inner scream
If you’re not good to yourself
Then your anger becomes a disease
If you’re not good to yourself
To yourself
To yourself

Go on and let your scream out
Go on and let your scream out
Go on and let your scream out
Go on and let your scream out
Let it out

Go on and let your scream out
Go on and let your scream out
Go on and let your scream out
Go on and let your scream out
Let it out

“The Inner Scream,” written by Sananda Maitreya (FKA Terence Trent D’Arby)

Welcome to the updated Bosque!  I may put up the old Bosque posts in the future, but with everything that has been going on in my life this year, I feel like I need to start with a clean slate…and let my inner scream out.  You might see the backgrounds and what not changing over the next few weeks as I try to learn WordPress.  But I really wanted to get the new blog up and start blogging again ASAP…so here I is.

So let’s take a look at the year that has been 2010:

Late January:  Started working for a courier company…I had hoped that the job would only be temporary, as I had a great job interview with another company just before I started.  Ten months later, I still work for the courier company.

May 1st:  I was hospitalized with a staph infection that later became MRSA.  A sty next to my left eye turned into an abscess, then to staph, then to MRSA.  I spent 5 days in the hospital, 2 weeks on Vancomycin (a powerful IV antibiotic) and 2 more weeks on other antibiotics.  I missed 2 1/2 weeks of work and was an emotional wreck afterwards.  Oh, and I found out I was a non-insulin dependent diabetic during one of my follow-up doctor’s appointments.

Early July:  I was asked by my company to help re-establish their operations in Kansas City after a 2-year absence.  My boss spewed nothing but good things about me to the Operations Manager of the company…I was honored and flattered.

Late July:  My dad had surgery to remove part of his right lung that had been attacked by cancer…the complications from this surgery would ultimately lead to his death.

Late August:  I made my 3rd trip to Kansas City to assist the company since they went back into the market.  I would wind up staying for the next 2 months, establishing a reputation in the company as an asskicker in the field and in the office.

September 16th:  After just under 3 years of marriage, my wife asked for a divorce.  More on this in another blog post.

September 22nd:  Suffering unknowingly from severe dehydration, I collapsed and fell in a bathroom at work, breaking my right fibula and spraining both ankles.

Late September:  I reconnected with my college sweetheart, having not spoken to her in over 3 years.

October 12th:  Celebrated my 35th birthday with lunch at Mamma Leone’s Pizzeria in South Kansas City and a busy day in the office.

October 21st:  I returned to St. Louis after 2 months in Kansas City, with my dad’s health deteriorating rapidly.

October 24th/25th:  Cleo (my 2007 Chevrolet Cobalt) was “repossessed” late Sunday night.  Monday morning, I purchased Isabella (a 2009 Chevrolet Impala).  Later that afternoon, I filed for divorce.

October 30th:  After suffering from complications from lung cancer surgery for over 3 months, Dad died peacefully at home, surrounded by Mom, my brother and me.

November 8th:  My college sweetheart told me that she did not think she and I had a future together.  More on this in another blog post.

Currently: My mom’s oldest sister appears to be in her final days.  She has been suffering from advanced dementia for some time, and her body appears to be shutting down.

And let’s not forget that this year has been one of…general malaise.  I’ve been out of the regular job market so long now, I quit giving a shit.  I tried to looking for real jobs occasionally, but I just didn’t care anymore.  I was horribly depressed from January to August…my self-esteem was in the shitter.  I had seen a therapist a few years ago and I thought it helped a lot, so I started going to him again after I was in the hospital.  Again, it helped a lot…and I’m still going.  Plus I definitely had to get my shit together and get going…it was hard as hell though.  But with a good heart, a good mind, family, friends, a good therapist and Lexapro, here I am…and I’m still smiling.

I have to smile…I can’t quit now.  I’m 35 years old, with the whole world still in front of me.  I don’t know what my future holds, but I can’t wait to see what’s out there.  My main focuses right now are losing more weight (down 25 lbs. since August) and establishing my independence (I have barely ever lived on my own).  I hope to meet some lovely ladies and have some fun…and maybe love and marriage will come again some day.  I certainly don’t plan to shut them out.

Though I get burned a lot by wearing my heart on my sleeve, I have found that the rewards far outweigh the risks…I don’t know any other way.  But I’m definitely staying away from relationships for a while.  I’ve basically been in relationships consecutively since 1997…and I don’t seem to be doing well in them.  Perhaps it’s time for a break.

Thank you to all of you for your love and support during what has been a very difficult time in my life.  Stick around…I’m headed back up the hill…and I’m kicking ass along the way. :-)

Peace,
T

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